True Story

In the summer of 1975, when I was 21, I began keeping a journal. I had no idea what would happen next, of course. I simply wrote down where I was, whom I was with, and what we were doing. At the time, I was a carefree young hippie bumming around the American Southwest with a small tribe of like-minded people, ingesting hallucinogens and seeking cosmic enlightenment.

Three weeks later I found myself in a religious cult in California. That affiliation lasted for 14 years. I wasn't kidnapped or brainwashed or anything like that. I joined because at the time I was convinced it was the right thing to do, that the world would be better because of what I was doing. I believed it was important. It culminated in a mass wedding at Madison Square Garden on June 1, 1982. The New York Times carried it on the front page the next day. (We divorced five years later. No kids.)

My journal eventually covered three volumes, written longhand in whatever moments I was able to steal away. I didn't know what would ultimately prove important for posterity, so I tried to record everything that seemed significant. As a result, I captured a lot of the prosaic, mundane details of living an existence I never could have foreseen for myself and certainly would not have chosen had I known what I was getting into. Nonetheless, once I was in and committed, I was determined to see it through. I refused to quit.

The saga as I recorded it begins in the archive at the left (Alpha & Omega) with the post titled "Ribbon Falls." It ends five years later with "Epilogue."

This blog is about one-third of the journal, 162 entries, covering a period from July 1975 to October 1980. If you want to know my story and what it's like to be in a cult 24/7/365, this is it. The straight dope. I didn't make anything up. Some entries are short, some are long, but they tell a story that is divided into three parts:

The Beginning (Alpha) covers the period from July 1975 to December 1977. If it seems tedious at times, well ... that's the way it was. It was a grueling existence in which the days and weeks and months blurred together. Keep reading. The shit is about to hit the fan.

The Middle begins in December 1977. Something bad happened that became a full-blown psychotic nightmare that eventually led to a nervous breakdown. It was horrible and I wanted to die. Somehow I kept going.

The End (Omega) begins in January 1980. This is the best part, but to understand it you have to read what comes before. It's all connected.

My primary motivation for doing this now is because I'm still lucid enough to remember the highlights and low points and appreciate what this experience meant in the bigger scheme of things. And someday my kids might too.

But more importantly, I felt I needed to explain to my family what happened to me back then. They never really got the whole story.

I have photos and other mementos, but the journal can carry its own weight. The words paint a picture. I did some things I'm embarrassed about and certainly not proud of, but I felt it was important to present the whole truth. So be it.

Glenn Emery

Stone Mountain, Georgia

March 20, 2009

P.S. Rune Rofke is the ancient Indian name for Stone Mountain. It's a visual metaphor that goes with the little story to the upper left titled "I Quit" that is sort of a comical way of summing up my entire cult experience. The photo below (the only one I've chosen to use for now) is Westwind, the band I was in my senior year of high school. That's me in the bow tie with the trumpet. I was 18.

Turn the page: Ribbon Falls

Epilogue

1980.10.10

Indianapolis

Exactly 40 days after I returned home from Athens, the phone rang at the center. It was Desiree. She had driven to Indianapolis and wanted to see me. I gave her directions, and a short time later she pulled into the driveway.

I introduced her to Carl and Nina and Carol. She wanted to go someplace to talk, so we drove up to Broad Ripple Park. It was overcast and there was a chill in the air. Autumn was setting in. The leaves had begun to turn.

“I had to see if you were real,” Desiree said. “After you left, it was like a dream. Everyone pretended like nothing had happened, and I began to doubt it myself. I started to think that maybe you were an angel, one of those visitations in the Bible.”

“I’m no angel. I was there. It was real.”

I was curious how the emergency meeting of the congregation had gone. I knew the outcome, of course, but I wanted to know the details.

“Pete was your strongest defender. He was the most passionate about why you should be allowed to stay. He said he knew you better than anyone, that you had confessed your identity to him and explained why you hadn’t said anything. And he said he understood your reasons, that you felt you had no choice and it was very difficult for you because you were an honest and open person who wanted to tell us who you were but you felt that as soon as you did we would reject you. He said you hoped that by us getting to know you first, we would be able to accept you.

“Some people like Boo and Katie and a few others agreed with him. They said we should let you stay, get to know you better and see how it goes. They said we could always ask you to leave later if we felt you were a negative presence.

“But Kevin and Martin and the others insisted that you should leave right away, that you had already proven you were not trustworthy, and that there were probably a lot of other things about you that you hadn’t told us and we would be sorry if we let you stay. They said you were Satan and should be cast out. It was just like you said they would.

“And then Pete got angry and said, ‘What are we so afraid of? Are his beliefs so powerful and our beliefs so weak that we can’t risk having him in our midst? Is our faith so small that we are afraid of this one man from a strange church we know nothing about?’ But hardly anyone wanted to listen to Pete. They had all made up their minds.”

“And what about you?” I asked. “Were you for me or against me?”

Desiree was silent for a few minutes. “I knew you’d ask me that, but it’s why I came to see you. That’s what I wanted to tell you.”

She started crying a little bit. For the first time, I felt free to hug her. I kissed her cheek. I squeezed her tight. I wanted her to know it was all right. The worst was over. Nothing else bad was going to happen.

“I was so angry and hurt. I felt so betrayed. I thought you had to be the worst excuse for a human being to have done that to me, and I hated you.

"And then they started asking me about our relationship, and it was exactly like you said it would be, that night in my apartment, even though I didn’t really understand at the time what you were telling me. But as they started to question me, I understood. They wanted to know if you and I had had an intimate relationship. Kevin started accusing you of trying to seduce me.

“As much as I hated you in that moment, I knew the truth. You had prepared me very well. You were exactly right. As long as we never had a physical relationship, no matter what anyone said, I would know the truth. You did protect me. You made sure we didn’t go too far because you knew what would happen if we did. When I tried to hold your hand, you would let go. When I wanted to kiss you, you said no. When I wanted to go further, you walked away. This is what I told them.

“Some of them didn’t believe me. They said you had brainwashed me."

"What do you think?"

"I don't know. I mean, I know nothing happened between us, but I've never been around anyone like you before. Here with you now everything seems normal. But then..."

"I know what you mean."

It was getting late and starting to drizzle.

"I should go," she said. "I have a long drive back. I'm glad I got to see you again."

"Me too. I think about you every day. What I did makes me very sad. I'm sorry I hurt you."

The rain started falling a little harder.

"I'm thinking of taking off for a while," she said finally. "Leave Athens and travel around a bit. See new places. Meet new people. Have some adventures."

"That would be good for you."

"I'm thinking of going to the Grand Canyon."

I hugged her one last time. "If you do, go to Ribbon Falls. It's amazing."

The End

August 1980

Athens, Ohio

All day I was on edge. On one hand I couldn’t wait for this charade to be over. On the other hand, I dreaded the outcome. I kept telling myself that this wouldn’t be like the vicious and instant rejection I had always experienced from Christians. These people knew me. We had become friends. We liked each other, and I had made clear I wanted to stay with them.

At Pete’s house everyone was festive and upbeat. They were eager to hear my story, and then we’d get on with the celebration. Outwardly I smiled and chatted amiably, but there was a crushing heaviness in my heart that only became more unbearable with each passing minute. The unfailing good cheer around me made me cling to a tiny shred of hope that the evening would turn out all right. All my instincts said otherwise.

The reason was obvious: I had deceived them. That was all that mattered. That was the headline. No need to read any further. They would not care or be able to relate to my reasons for wishing to keep my identity hidden up until now. That was beside the point. I had not told them the whole truth, I had withheld vital information about myself, and that fact trumped and negated everything else. And they were absolutely right. My fate was sealed.

For the past 24 hours I had been reflecting heavily on Jesus. Not to be melodramatic, but there were a lot of parallels, I felt, between his situation and mine. On some simplistic level, I believed I had experienced some of the same things he did. It went without saying that it was probably going to have the same ending. Symbolically, of course.

I kept coming back to two fundamental issues: the Unification Church and the Divine Principle. In my mind these were two distinct and separate things. To everyone else they were one in the same. I kept thinking: What if I had never heard of or met or joined the Unification Church, that I never had any association with it or with Reverend Moon, knew absolutely nothing about them? And what if I knew Divine Principle? I saw no contradiction in those two suppositions. I could have this knowledge in my head and not be part of any organization. If the organization was keeping people from hearing the truth, why not remove the organization from the equation and let the truth be judged on its own merits, rather than guilt by association. To me this made eminent sense. I had come to Athens to teach Divine Principle, not to try to sell anyone on the Unification Church.

So even though my mission was about to go down in flames, I took some solace in the fact that over the past several weeks I had indeed been able to teach some of these folks a great deal of the Divine Principle, at least many of the most important, fundamental points. And I took further solace in the fact that the things I had said – had taught them – were not rejected as blasphemy or heresy. They had listened to parts of the Divine Principle and been able to consider it by itself, without being hung up about what it was called or who was behind it. It was the free exchange of ideas on a purely intellectual level without bias or negative emotions getting in the way.

Perhaps I was rationalizing my behavior. But the simple fact was it could not have happened any other way. Not with this particular group of people.

Despite the good-natured fuss over me, I ate my dinner in relative silence, and afterward borrowed Boo’s 12-string Ovation to play a couple songs. One I wrote during my stay in Athens. The other I learned from them, called “Prepared Ye the Way.” Not only was it a fitting sentiment to my sojourn here, but it was a beautiful melody as well and I had practiced it many times and could sing it very well. It was probably the most visible and respectful way I could show them I had joined them, if they would have me. Looks of approval came from around the room. Finally I put down the guitar. All eyes were on me.

“I’m a member of the Unification Church, a follower of the Rev. Sun Myung Moon.”

I didn’t get much further than that. It was over.

Desiree was the first to fly out of the room, a blurry, teary streak. Kevin was right behind her to provide the much-needed shoulder to cry on. I supposed he owed me some thanks, though I doubted I’d ever get it.

Everyone else was stunned. In just 15 words, I had lost them completely. I spoke for a few minutes, thanked them for everything, apologized for the deception, tried to explain how there really hadn’t been any other way for them to get to know me or vice versa, and repeated my heartfelt desire to remain part of their community, if they still wanted me now that they knew everything.

You’d have thought I had taken a shit and was eating it. The revulsion was instantaneous and absolute.

I was sort of hoping for an answer immediately, one way or the other, but I guess that wasn’t realistic. They needed some time to discuss it. Martin was the first and only one to speak. He said he would try to convene an emergency meeting of the congregation the next day at the church, and they would decide then whether they would still accept me or not. I wasn’t hopeful. I asked if I could be there, to make my case in person. He said no.

I glanced at Pete, but he just shrugged. It was like he was saying, “Sorry, buddy. It’s out of my hands.”

Of all the people there, only Boo came up to me afterward. She hugged me and thanked me. She asked me if she could walk with me. I said sure. We walked back to my little house, which was mine for one more day. Thank God Phil was gone or I’d be heading back to Indianapolis tonight.

I told Boo I felt very embarrassed about how it had turned out. I felt like a bad and terrible person for not telling the truth, even though I knew the truth would end my relationship with them. I was very depressed. I told her how much I loved it here with them, that I wanted to live in Athens and start my life over, that I didn’t want to go back to the Unification Church in Indianapolis. But I also knew things few other people knew, and I couldn’t erase that from my head just to make everyone happy. If they accepted me, it would have to be me for who I was, not who they wished me to be. Boo was so sweet to me. She was the only one who didn’t judge me. She alone accepted me for who I was.

The next day I walked out to Strouds Run. This was the park with the lake I had been dropped off at on my first day in Athens, the place where I started walking into town and found 54 cents along the way. It seemed like a lifetime ago. I didn’t look for any loose change this time, even though my eyes barely looked up from the ground. My mind was somewhere else. It was in the church. I knew they were deciding my fate, but already I knew what the outcome would be. This would be my last full day in Athens.

I had been out here a couple times in recent weeks with Desiree and her friends, hiking the trails and having picnics, playing softball, throwing Frisbees. It was the carefree and happy life I was about to leave behind. I guess I wanted to say goodbye.

I sat on the dam and watched the water. I tried to clear my mind, but something strange was happening. All the bad and awful things I had feared they would say about me were being said. I could feel it. It felt like big fat nails being driven into my flesh. It hurt so bad and there was nothing I could do. I just sat there and cried and asked God to forgive me for fucking it up so badly. I never meant for this to happen. I loved them. I truly, truly did. I tried to show them every way I could at every opportunity. But it wasn’t enough. My deceit had spoiled everything and they would never forgive me for it.

I stayed out there all day, and when the sun started to go down, I walked back into town. I had already mailed my books back to Indianapolis. I had washed all the clothes I had worn and folded them and put them back exactly where they had been. I cleaned the work boots I had worn and placed them by the bed where I had found them. I swept and cleaned the whole house and put everything back the way it had been the day I arrived. I removed all the uneaten food from the fridge and threw it away and took out the trash. Even the box of Bisquick was empty. I packed my little book bag with my harps and few articles of clothing. When I left in the morning, there would be no sign I had been here.

I did not expect any good news, so I saw no reason to stick around the next morning. I was just about to leave when Desiree and Kevin came to the front door. Seeing her face broke my heart. I had hurt her so badly. It was obvious she had been crying all night. Her eyes were puffy, and she had scrubbed her face to try to get the last bit of me out of her pores. For the first time since I had known her, she was wearing makeup to cover up the pain.

I invited them in and we sat in the living room. She was wearing a forced, exaggerated smile. Clearly she wanted me to know that Jesus was the love of her life and had comforted her through the night. I didn’t buy it for a second, but I was not about to hurt her further by denying her this one little shred of salvation. So I told her I was glad.

I also told her I was sorry. I said I knew this would happen and I had tried to prepare her the other night. She brushed it aside. All was well. She had Jesus.

I wanted to kill myself. I just couldn’t believe how a platonic relationship like ours, so brief and nonphysical, could tear her up so badly. I would have done anything at that moment to take it all away. But I knew what had caused it. It was the forbidden fruit. The more I had pushed her away, the more she had wanted me. That formed a powerful bond that caused excruciating pain when broken. The knowledge of it just tortured me.

I recalled all the mornings she had left notes in my mailbox with the little hearts and sweet words. She had invested so much in our relationship. As much as I had tried to protect her from this moment, she had taken it harder than even I had imagined. She’d never know how much I loved her.

Kevin, however, was eager to reveal himself as the dickhead I always suspected he was. He was thrilled by this sudden turn of events. For him it was the best possible outcome. He couldn’t wait to tell me the bad news.

“We have decided that you may stay in Athens.”

“But…” I said. I knew Kevin was an asshole attached to a “but.”

“But you have to wear a sign around your neck identifying yourself as a Moonie.” He grinned from ear to ear. He was so happy. This was absolutely the fairest resolution, as far as he was concerned. I could stay, but in a way that ensured no one else would ever be deceived by me.

“You know,” I said, “in Nazi Germany the Jews were required to wear the Star of David so that everyone would know who they were. You don’t see a parallel in what you’re proposing?”

“Of course not. Totally different.”

“I see. Then you’ll wear signs too when you go witnessing around campus, identifying yourselves as charismatic renewal, is that correct?”

“No, we don’t need to. We don’t deceive anyone.”

“Sure you do. You don’t tell people everything. You wait for the right moment. Same as me.”

“That’s different.”

“No it’s not. Listen, Kevin. When I'm gone, I want you to meditate on what I'm about to tell you. I didn’t have to say anything about who I was. I could have crept away silently and nobody would have been any the wiser. But I didn’t want to. I’m proud of who I am. I want everybody to know who they’re dealing with. I am not afraid. And I owed it to you and to everyone else before I left. I came clean as I had wanted to do from the very beginning, and if I hadn’t been certain of how that news would be received, I would have done it immediately. I will accept the consequences of my actions. God knows what was in my heart every single moment of every single day I was here in Athens. I did what I felt was right and I did it as God guided me. You have no idea what this was like for me. It was sheer agony. But now it’s over and my conscience is clear. I’m sorry it didn’t work out. I truly, deeply loved you all.”

I turned to Desiree. “And you most of all.”

Kevin hadn’t heard a word I said. He just stood up. “I guess we won’t being seeing you again.”

He and Desiree left. I waited until they were out of sight. I pulled the door closed and dropped the key in the mailbox. I slung my bag over my shoulder and began walking toward the highway.

Turn the page: Epilogue

Desiree, My Desire

August 1980

Athens, Ohio

Word spread quickly about the farewell dinner. Everyone told me how much they’d miss me, and couldn’t I please stay? I told them maybe. We’d see what happens. I made it clear that it was their choice. Everyone was so bewildered. What could I possibly say that could make them not want me to stay? They acted as though it was a foregone conclusion that I would stay, and their enthusiasm fooled me into thinking it was going to go okay. But that feeling ebbed and flowed each day. One minute I would feel certain everything would work out, and the next I’d be depressed because I knew it wouldn’t. I just wanted to get it over with. The suspense was killing me.

The night before the dinner, I had a terrible feeling. And it didn’t go away. I worried most about Desiree. I needed to try to prepare her somehow.

The hour was late when I arrived at Desiree’s. She was ecstatic to see me. I tried to be cheerful, but she could see I was deeply troubled.

“What’s wrong?”

“We need to talk.”

We sat in her tiny living room, she across from me in an old overstuffed chair. Her face was that of a young woman who had found her true love. Her adoration was painful. The thought of breaking her heart was unbearable.

“As you know, Pete and Katie are having a farewell dinner for me tomorrow night –”

“Yes...”

“ – and I’ve specifically requested that everyone who I’ve become friends with be there, especially you.”

She continued staring at me, wondering where this was going. “And as you know, I’ve promised to explain everything about myself. I know people have questions about who I am and why I am here, so I am going to put my cards all out on the table. But here’s the thing. When I do, things are going to change dramatically. There’s is a very good chance no one will want me around anymore and they’ll insist I leave.”

“That’s ridiculous,” Desiree said. “What could you possibly say to make everyone mad at you? I’m expecting you to stay, just like you said you would.” For the first time, she pondered the possibility that by Saturday I might be gone. She leaned forward. “You will stay, won’t you?”

“That depends entirely on you, as I’ve said. I don’t want to leave. I want to stay. I want to stay here with you.” This made her smile. She sat back in the chair and relaxed a bit. If the decision were truly hers to make, then I would be staying. It was that simple to her.

I looked hard into her face, more serious at this moment than any time she’d ever seen me, and I had been pretty serious around her most of time. “You think you know how you will feel and act, but you don’t,” I said. “By tomorrow night, and in the days that follow, people – including yourself perhaps – will believe I’m the devil.”

“I don’t believe it,” she laughed. “That’s impossible.”

“I’m afraid you’ll find out yourself soon enough. But what I want to tell you right now is this: No matter what anyone says about me, I did not come here to harm you or anyone else. I genuinely care about you as God’s daughter. That is my only concern. I want you to try to remember the things we talked about. I want you to remember the good times we had together. And I want you to remember I never tried to mislead you or take advantage of you or treat you in any way except with the utmost respect for you as a human being.”

“You’ve been a perfect gentleman.”

“Desiree, they’re going to accuse me of trying to seduce you.”

“How could they? You won’t even hold my hand. And we’ve never even kissed.”

“I know, and that’s the reason. Believe me, I wanted to do those things. I am extremely attracted to you. But I knew the moment would come when those seemingly innocent gestures would come to have much greater significance, so I had to make sure we never had any kind of physical relationship. When they say I tried to seduce you, you will know that I did not. It doesn’t matter to me what they say. They may tell many lies. What matters is that you know the truth about what happened between us. Even in this place where we are all alone and no one can see us, you know I have never touched you.”

“It is true. You have never touched me that way.”

Desiree looked at me, still smiling. But something had come over her. Some strange thought had suddenly entered her head. Her stare grew vacant, as though she were somewhere else. She no longer cared to hear my silly notion that someone would suddenly accuse me of trying to seduce her.

“No one’s going to say anything bad about you,” she said. “You’re one of us. We all want you to stay.”

“I wish it were that simple.”

“What’s the matter? Are you married? Is that it?”

“No, no. Nothing like that.”

"Gay?”

“Heavens no.”

“An escaped convict?”

“No.” That one made me chuckle.

“What then?”

She’s motioned for me to come sit with her in that big comfortable old chair, to unburden my soul, to pour my secret into her trusting blue eyes. And for three-tenths of a second I contemplated doing just that. To confess my transgression and throw myself at her mercy. The words were starting to form in my throat. More than anything else in this life, I wanted to go over to her and bury my head in her lap and pour out my heart and tell her how much I loved her.

Here’s the picture: Only one small table light was turned on, creating an amber cocoon around her. She was sunk down into this fat chair, cherry-lemon hair splayed across the headrest, her held tilted ever so gently to the side. Her face – her gorgeous sweet face – was enshrouded in the dream state of utter, complete, total contentment. She was wearing a short skirt, and every male hormone is my body was kicking into high gear at the sight of her smooth, well-defined legs as they curled under her. I wanted to crawl across the carpet, kiss her knees and keep going all the way to the promised land. I wanted to inhale her intoxicating scent. And above all, I knew it’s what she wanted me to do. It was that close.

Desiree kept teasing me with her legs, trying to lure me closer. She couldn’t decide if I was a fool or a saint.

Just a few nights ago we were holding hands, walking silently along a dark deserted street, enjoying the fragrant balmy evening and each other’s company. She had rested her cheek against my shoulder and made my heart pound.  It had killed me to do it, but in as nonchalant a manner as I could muster, I disengaged our entwined fingers. I hadn’t been this close to a girlfriend-type situation in five years, and as I neared the end of my 40-day condition, I felt Satan tempting me mightily. I was on the edge – the very fucking precipice – of screwing up royally.

And now, her legs were gently spreading and closing almost imperceptibly like flower petals, taunting me to give in. It would be so simple. If I touched Desiree, we both would die.

It was excruciating to watch her. She seemed to slowly writhe and contort herself as if we were actually doing it. Her eyes rolled back into her head and she groaned. I couldn’t take it anymore.

“I love you more than you’ll ever know.” I walked out while I still could.

Turn the page: The End

My Secret Dies

August 1980

Athens, Ohio

“What did you mean -- exactly -- when you said the lord told you to come to Athens?” Pete asked.

Pete and I had been prying aged boards of siding from an abandoned house on a country lane. The air was hot and muggy, the sky was overcast. Rain was imminent. We were both sweating profusely, and the truck that Pete had borrowed was already sagging beneath the weight. We had only a small section left on one side of the house to pry off. This wood – vintage tongue-and-groove boards – had already become the flooring in Pete’s new attic bedroom. We had come back to salvage the rest so Pete could use it on other jobs.

“I meant exactly that,” I said. “The lord told me to come here.” I liked Pete a lot. He was more than a friend. He was like an older brother. I could tell him anything. Almost anything. But now he was zeroing in on the hard questions that I was extremely hesitant to answer.

“You mean like ‘told’ you like I’m talking to you now?”

“No. It was through another person. He conveyed the message through another person.”

“Who?”

“A friend of mine.”

Pete was clearly not satisfied with my evasive answers, even though I answered him truthfully. He knew I was hiding something. But since we both were right and he was the inquisitor, the burden was on him to flush me out.

“If this other person, your friend, wasn’t around, could the lord have told you this in person?”

“Yes.”

 “You mean you can see the lord?”

“Sure. I’ve seen him many times.”

“Where?”

“In New York, mostly. Once I saw him in Dallas.”

Pete had quit working, quit banging on boards with a hammer, and was perched on one of the bare floor joists, one of the few remnants of what once had been a home with a family and a history and a thousand stories. At the present, Pete was interested in only one story about this remote place – the one unfolding right now.

“I think you’re in some weird religious group and afraid to tell us,” he said finally. “I’ve seen about ’em on TV.”

Now it was my turn to quit working. If Pete had asked that as a question instead of stating it as a fact, I would have had no choice but to answer. But he didn’t. It hung in the warm air like the sticky humidity, and every bit as uncomfortable.

I had dreaded this moment ever since I had come to Athens, especially after meeting this group of charismatic Christians I was now a part of. I knew I had to tell them everything, but I knew the outcome would be bad – unless they had a chance to know me first. But since Pete with his hammer had nailed me, fair and square, I figured it was time to ’fess up. If anyone was going to guess my identity, I’d prefer it were Pete.

“If I told you everything, in plain English, black and white, would you be happy?” I asked.

“It’s not a question of my happiness,” he said. “Everyone wants to know who you are. You’re too good to be real. You’re like Jesus performing miracles or something. You waltz into our lives and everything is hunky-dory. It’s weird. Nobody is like that. There’s got to be something more here that we don’t know about. Who are you?”

I prayed harder at that moment than any other time in my life, begging God to provide me with the right words to a question I did not want to answer.

“You’re right,” I said after a long silence. I set down my hammer and positioned myself on the joist across from him. “You’re my best friend here, Pete, and I would do anything for you. I don’t want to keep anything from you. But it’s more complicated than that. I wish it wasn’t, but it is.” I paused a moment and let the words form in my mind.

“When I first met you folks, I knew exactly who you were and what you were about. I saw some people on the green witnessing, and I purposely put myself in their path because I knew the game. I did not intend to deceive anyone. I was simply having a little fun, because I know how to say all the right things. To me it’s not dishonest because I believe those things too, but my understanding of what those things mean is much different. And that’s what I came to Athens to talk about. I wanted to explain some things that I think the right people would find very interesting.”

Pete just listened.

“Things got out of control, and that was my fault. I ended up over at the dinner and I thought that would be the end of it. And the next thing I knew Phil was offering me a place to stay. This for me was terrible. I didn’t want to hide who I am. But there was a problem. The more I got to know you folks, the more I began to feel that you were the people I had come to Athens to meet. And if I told you who I was, you wouldn’t listen to me and I would have failed before I could even get started.

“You don’t need to believe me, but I want you to know this has been agony for me. And if anyone had ever asked me directly, as you have done just now, then I would have had no choice but to tell the truth because I won’t lie. But you are correct, I wasn’t telling all of the truth either, and that has been my great sorrow. I knew as soon as I did, our relationship would end, and I didn’t want that.

“It wasn’t the house to live in or the meals, although those things were very important to me. But I could have stayed any number of places. I would have survived. I stayed because I wanted to be part of your community.

“The thing is, I’ve changed my mind about going back to Indianapolis. I don’t want to be part of that any more. I want to stay here in Athens. Being here has been some of the happiest I’ve ever been, perhaps in my entire life, and the reason is you. You’ve made me feel loved and wanted and appreciated. I don’t want to leave.

“But I know I can’t stay here like this. You deserve to know who I am. And my hope, my prayer, is that you’ll forgive me for not being totally truthful and allow me to stay and be part of your community. I believe everything you do. Even if that doesn’t seem possible, it is the God’s honest truth.

“I would like a chance to put all my cards on the table and then you guys can decide whether I stay or go. If you send me away, I wouldn’t blame you. You have every right. But, Pete, I’m asking you, man to man, friend to friend, to listen to me. You’ve come to know me better than anyone. You know what kind of person I am. You know I am a decent, moral, hard-working person who would not intentionally hurt anyone. So something must have made me certain of how I would be received if I were totally honest. It wasn’t what I wanted to do. It’s what I had to do to even get here to have this conversation with you. Otherwise we’d have never met. I value your friendship and I would have counted it a tragic loss in my life had we not met.”

I tried to read Pete’s face for some reaction, but he was revealing nothing.

“Next Friday is the end of my forty days in Athens,” I said. “After that I go home. If you arrange to have a farewell dinner for me Friday night, I will explain to everyone who I am and why I’m here. After I reveal everything, if you want me to stay I will stay. And if you want me to go I will go. I don’t really have anything else to add.”

Pete sensed my vulnerability. He knew he had found the mark. And after a long period of utter quiet between us, with nothing to listen to but the drizzling rain failing gently on the woods around us, he said the most Christian thing he could have said: “It doesn’t matter to me what group you belong to. I already know you’re a good person.”

We both sat there for a minute, listening to the rain. “Perhaps you’re right,” he said. “People are funny and it doesn’t take much for good people to find fault in each other. There’s too many things that divide us. If you felt you couldn’t be truthful with us, perhaps that’s as much our fault as yours. Maybe we need to be a little more open and tolerant of folks who happen to think slightly different. Ain’t no sin to have a contrary opinion, especially when it comes to religion. God knows there’s plenty of wars been fought over that.”

It was starting to rain a little harder. My heart was sinking through the open joists and into the damp ground. My secret was being buried in this place. Whether there would be a resurrection for me would become clear enough on Friday.

“I know you’re with the Unification Church,” Pete said. “I know you think Rev. Moon is the second coming. I’ve known it for some time. I don’t agree with you, but I admit some of the things you said during our little discussions have caused me to think hard on these things, and I agree some of what you said makes sense. You have a rare logic and I find it stimulating. So maybe you do know what you’re talking about. I don’t know.

“I will keep your secret and I will let you break the news yourself in your own fashion. I will ask Katie and Boo to prepare you a farewell meal – a Last Supper, I guess – and then you can see if it made any difference whether you told us in the beginning or in the end.”

Pete seemed sad. I think he was hoping his suspicions would have turned out not to be true, and now that he did know, he was disappointed.

“I hope it goes well for you,” he said as we got back in the truck. “I’d like you to stay too. But I wouldn’t get my hopes up.”

Turn the page: Desiree, My Desire

Sex Ruins Everything

August 1980

Athens, Ohio

Desiree had lots of records and she was eager to play them for me. We laid on the floor and I read the album jackets. They were Christian soft rock, and some of the music was really good. I started to think this kind of music could bridge the gap between the kind of cornball music that was permissible in the Unification Church and the hard rock that I really liked. I could get into this.

“Are you really going to stay here in Athens after August?” She was laying on her back on the floor, staring at the ceiling. I was laying next to her – careful not to get too close – also looking at the ceiling. The music on her little stereo phonograph perfectly matched the wholesome, platonic happiness I wanted to have with Desiree. At least for now. Maybe later, after August, we could move things along, but for now I had to keep everything with her on the up-and-up.

“It is my intention to stay, yes. I want to stay with you.”

She rolled over on her side, propping her cheek in her delicate hand. “Why haven’t you tried to kiss me? Do you not want to kiss me?”

I sat up. I could feel my cheeks get hot. She was so beautiful, as pure and innocent as Eve before the fall. And nearly as naked. She was showing more skin than clothes, and removing the rest, if I wished, would be merely a formality. But I was resolute. This was the kind of moment that she would look back on and remember, and if I did not conduct myself with absolute God-centered purpose, she would accuse me later of trying to seduce her or take advantage of her. Never mind that she was trying to seduce me. She didn’t know spiritual law. She wasn’t responsible for her actions. I was.

“There are many things we need to talk about first,” I said finally.

“Okay.”

“Let me see if I can explain. Would you agree that Adam and Eve, assuming there were a first man and first women, disobeyed God and that’s why they were expelled from Eden?”

“Yes. That’s what the Bible says.”

“Right, well it says a serpent tempted Eve with the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, and then she tempted Adam. Now, just on a common sense level, if you had a child you loved more than anything else in the world, would you place something poisonous or deadly within that child’s grasp, tell the child not to touch it, and then threaten the child with death if they disobeyed?”

“No, of course not.”

“In fact, you’d probably remove the temptation, especially if it was something harmful or dangerous, right? That’s just common sense.”

Desiree nodded.

“I don’t think God would treat Adam and Eve any differently than any loving parent would treat their child. I don’t think the Bible was talking about a literal fruit like a poisonous apple. The forbidden fruit must have been something that couldn’t be removed from the Garden, so to protect Adam and Eve, God warned them with a commandment.”

“Okay.”

“Then the Bible says that the serpent told Eve it was really okay to eat the fruit, that it would open her eyes and she would be like God. So she did, and then she gave it to Adam. But immediately afterward, even before God confronted them, they did something very peculiar, which was to cover their lower parts. It’s human nature to hide the things we are ashamed of, and the fact they covered their genitals is a pretty strong indication of what they had just done.”

Desiree had sat upright and was staring at me intently. “Go on.”

“None of this probably would have happened except there was a third person is the Garden, which the Bible calls a serpent. That person was the archangel Lucifer. Adam and Eve were not yet fully mature adults. They were more like teenagers. They had grown up in the Garden from infancy, and like all small children, they needed a caretaker, a nanny, a full-time babysitter. That was Lucifer’s job. To take care of Adam and Eve  and help them grow up. Eventually Adam and Eve, when they matured, would become husband and wife, and because they perfectly reflected God’s masculine and feminine natures, God would dwell in them. God would literally walk the earth. And he would continue to walk the earth in every other person who lived after that, because everyone would perfectly reflect God’s nature. It would be the kingdom of heaven on earth.”

I studied Desiree’s face. She showed no sign of being bored or disinterested.

“Should I continue?”

Desiree nodded.

“Lucifer knew God’s plan for Adam and Eve, and throughout most of their young lives he was completely on board with it. No problem. Raise Adam and Eve to perfection, then let them start a family. Okay. But something strange began to happen with Lucifer as Adam and Eve reached puberty and began to develop sexually. Lucifer became jealous of Adam.

“You see, Lucifer was much older and wiser. He was like the cool professor that a young coed might develop a crush on.”

Desiree smiled with recognition. “Yeah, I know what you mean.”

“Lucifer loved the attention he got from Eve. Plus she was growing more and more beautiful by the day. Whereas Adam was like some goofy kid who was clueless about girls, like the stupid jocks you see around campus who act all idiotic when they’re drunk with their buddies, but they have never been in a relationship with a girl and wouldn’t have any idea what to do if they did.”

“I’ve known a few of those, that’s for sure.”

“Lucifer knew that Adam and Eve were meant to be together, but Lucifer started thinking he wanted Eve for himself, or at least to have her first, before Adam. After all, he and Eve had a long and deep relationship. They were very close and loved each other very much.”

“That sounds a little kinky.”

“Not at all. Remember that TV show ‘Family Affair’?”

“Of course.”

“That was like the perfect metaphor. Brian Keith was like God, the benevolent but distant dad would couldn’t be around all the time. Then you had Buffy as Eve and Jody as Adam and Mr. French, the butler, as Lucifer. You see what I’m saying?”

“Yeah, okay.”

“So many years pass and now Buffy and Jody are almost grown up. Now maybe they’re college age, and Brian Keith is off on one of his trips, and Mr. French starts to have lustful feelings for Buffy now that she’s a young woman. It’s wrong, he knows that, but he can’t help it because she is so beautiful, plus she’s very sweet and loving to him because she’s so innocent and pure. Does that make sense?”

“Sure, I guess so.”

“Lucifer began to tell Eve things, sexual things, that he should not have told her. He knew that saying these things would eventually arouse her and she would want to experience them. Lucifer deliberately charmed her and seduced her until she begged him to show her. And when he did, when they had sexual intercourse, Eve understood immediately what she had done. For the first time, she understood good and evil. That’s what the commandment meant: Do not eat from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, because when you do you will die. It was a warning not to have sexual relations until God gave them permission. When they were fully mature adults, both emotionally and physically, sex would be fine and good, just like it is among many married couples today. But at this point they were still premature, like teenagers. Almost there, but not quite.”

Desiree was quiet. It seemed she was understanding.

“Eve, now knowing the truth of what she did, and fully understanding that Adam was supposed to be her sexual partner, now went to him. Her motivation was to undo what she had done with Lucifer, because she knew that was wrong. She thought having sex with Adam would make everything right. So she got Adam aroused and showed him what to do and then they fell. Immediately they both felt naked and ashamed and covered themselves. When God saw them, he was angry because he knew what they had done. He had no choice but to throw them out of the Garden, and Lucifer became Satan.”

“That’s an interesting theory.”

“It’s not a theory. It’s what really happened. The fall in the Bible is told with strange imagery that makes it easy to miss the real story. The real story of original sin was the misuse of love, or turning something beautiful like sex into a selfish, dirty thing.”

“Hmm. I don’t know. The way you describe it sounds reasonable, but I've never heard anyone compare original sin to sex.”

“I think the evidence is all around us. Nothing is more confounding to the human spirit than sex. Just look at all the personal problems people have that are rooted in sex. Just look at all the good friendships that are ruined by sex. Suddenly, one person withdraws, or both do, and instead of feelings of love and intimacy, sex stirs up deep feelings of guilt and remorse that no one can fathom. It’s my contention that those feelings are the residue of the fall, which have been passed down from generation to generation.

“How many girls do you know have been pressured to have sex, only to be betrayed after they give in? Sex may seem natural, and it was intended to be, but usually it doesn’t make you feel good when it's casual between two people who don't really care for each other. Just the opposite. Sex can make people feel depressed, even suicidal. The only way to overcome these bad feelings is by first making a lifelong commitment to another person, and even that might not do it. It is far more profound than anyone dares imagine.

“Whether or not you believe me, of one thing I’m certain: If you and I were to make love it would destroy our friendship. You’d hate me and I would resent you, and we’d both blame each other. You and I would understand as clearly as Eve and Adam that we had committed a tragic and irreversible mistake.”

“I believe you,” she said.

I breathed a huge sigh of relief. For now, at least, I felt I’d put a damper on the sexual tension between us. I knew it would return, but at least I had a foundation to work with.

Turn the page: My Secret Dies

The Upper Room

Athens, Ohio

August 1980

My initial and well-founded caution in associating with this loose band of charismatic Christians had evaporated. They still didn’t know everything about me, but I felt absolutely confident that when I did tell them, they would understand. I didn’t expect them to do handstands or anything, but I had been so thoroughly embraced by them that I no longer feared they would turn against me.

Pete and I had been working in his attic. It was unbearably hot. But he’d been especially open and receptive, asking a lot of thoughtful questions, enjoying the intellectual stimulation. The more I explained, the more he wanted to know. The discussion helped take our minds off the suffocating heat.

It would have been desirable to put up the insulation first, of course, but without a floor to stand on, it wasn't practical. So with the old siding salvaged from an abandoned house out near Chauncey, the two of us were trying mightily to nail down some of the crookedest boards I’d ever seen. Even though we waited until nightfall to tackle this project, there was no ventilation in the attic and the air was hot and still as an oven. Sweat poured off of us, soaking instantly into the dry, warped boards. Getting the edges to butt together before we could nail them down was a real chore.

It was not until we put up the insulation a couple nights later that it began to cool down noticeably. Each roll of insulation we stapled between the rafters brought down the temperature two degrees. By the time we were halfway done, it was almost comfortable.

“Let me ask you something Pete,” I ventured. “What do you see as Jesus’ purpose for coming to earth?”

“To save us from our sins. And teach us about the Holy Spirit.”

“Do you think he would have been any more or less effective in that mission if he had actually lived long enough to get married and raise a family, even if it was necessary for him to die on a cross in the end?”

“I never thought about it. What’s your point, exactly?”

“The point is you have something Jesus never had, a wife. And one day you’ll probably have something he also never had, namely a child.”

“Well, Jesus sacrificed those things so that we might enjoy them, as part of his grace. Besides, he had plenty of time to marry. It was customary for people to marry young back then.”

“Maybe he just put it off because he had a more urgent task at hand, like preaching the Gospel. I mean, he was still a young man. Plenty of time later for a wife and family. And even if a family wasn’t in the cards for him, the crucifixion prevented him from living a full and complete life.”

“Like I said, that’s his grace to us. But even if he had lived longer, the end result would have been the same. He still would have brought salvation to those who believed.”

“Would you agree that the people who had Jesus crucified, Pontius Pilate and Herod, were evil men?”

“Yes, of course.”

“That alone should tell us the crucifixion was an act of evil.”

“An evil act overcome three days later by his glorious Resurrection.”

“And the promise that he would return.”

“To call up the faithful.”

“For that to happen, was it necessary for Jesus to die on the cross?”

“Absolutely.”

“He couldn’t have simply died of old age, for example?”

“It was prophesied he would be crucified, so it was all part of God’s plan.”

“But if it was God’s will for Jesus to die like that, why was everyone so miserable afterward? You’d think they’d be dancing in the streets for having been faithful participants in God’s grand drama. Besides, Jesus didn’t preach that he should be crucified. He tried very hard to get the Jewish people to accept him. If they had accepted him, they would have had no desire to kill him, even if it were God’s will. I mean, what’s the point of preparing an entire nation to receive the messiah, just so it can kill him? It doesn’t make any sense. The only entity that wanted Jesus dead was Satan, and Satan tried to kill him from the moment he was born.”

“But it was prophesied he’d be rejected and crucified.”

“It was also prophesied he’d be a glorious king.”

“And so he is, in heaven.”

“Maybe they were dual prophecies. One foretelling the possibility of rejection, the other of acceptance.”

“I don’t think so. One foretells of the crucifixion, the other of the resurrection.”

“Except that all of Jesus’ actions showed a strong desire for acceptance, to avoid an untimely death. Otherwise he would have gladly gone to the cross or endured any other painful humiliation, if he knew that would bring salvation to the world. But in the Garden of Gethsemane he was obviously in great anguish.”

“He felt the fear of death, just as any mortal man would.”

“Countless men have gladly marched into certain death for far lesser causes. He wasn’t afraid to die. His anguish was that the crucifixion was not God’s will.”

“How do you figure?”

“By what happened immediately afterward, for one thing. The sky turned dark and terrible, and all his followers were horrified. No one rejoiced except the evil people. It was a tragedy, plain and simple. It should not have happened, and the world has been suffering that debacle ever since. The centuries following the crucifixion and resurrection were not the dawning of a new and glorious time. They’re known as the Dark Ages, exactly what you’d expect when evil triumphs over good. The only silver lining, the only thing that sustained faithful people through all those hopeless years was the promise of the Second Coming, which I might add, was never mentioned until it became clear the Jewish people were not going to accept him.”

Pete let this sink in for a few minutes. “You have a curious way of looking at things.”

“Yes I do. That why I came to Athens, hoping to find someone to tell these things to.”

“But I don’t see what difference it makes, if he died sooner or later. The end result would have been the same.”

“On the contrary, if he’d lived long enough to have a family, it would have changed everything.”

“How so?”

“God did not prepare the entire nation of Israel so that Jesus could preach for a mere three years and then be murdered. God intended for those people to listen to him and to follow him, and he wanted Jesus to live a long and fruitful life. There was far more at stake than Christians today realize. Those people had the chance to follow the messiah while he was alive and they blew it. By the time they realized it, it was too late.”

The last of the insulation was now hung, and both of us were exhausted. It was well after midnight. Pete was thinking hard about what I had been saying, and I sensed this may be my best chance to drive home my point.

“I don’t necessarily expect you to believe me, and we can debate scripture until dawn, but what I am about to tell you is the gospel truth,” I said. “Jesus did not come to die.”

“You’re forgetting the resurrection.”

“No, I’m not. But that could have happened right away too. Herod finds the infant Jesus, has him killed, and three days later is the Resurrection. Same thing.”

Pete was not convinced.

“Look at it this way. During his life, whenever people asked him what they should be doing to do God’s will, he never answered that they should nail him to a cross until he dies a slow and agonizing death so that he can take away all their sins. He took away their sins left and right before that. He didn’t need to die for that. In fact, you can search the Old Testament, but there’s no mention of a Second Coming. That only came much later, when Jesus realized that the whole thing was going to end badly. Suddenly there was a need for Christ to return which wasn’t there before. If Jesus had been permitted to live his life to its natural end, there never would have arose this talk of his imminent return.”

“But aren’t we saved by believing Jesus died for our sins?”

“That depends on whether you go out and keeping sinning afterward, especially things you know are wrong, like fornication or stealing. If you stop doing those things that are harmful to your spirit, I guess you can say you’re saved. But most Christians don’t stop sinning, they just insist they’ve been forgiven for everything, past, present and future. But even if you personally are saved, you are unable to pass that grace onto your children. They will be born with the stain of original sin and be tempted and seduced and betrayed and victimized by the same old crap. Jesus didn’t just come to forgive us for all of our sins, he came to wipe out the source of sin once and for all.”

“And he did at Calvary.”

“He only got partial victory. He made it possible for us to be saved spiritually on an individual level.”

“So there you have it. Personal salvation.”

“Okay. I admit that sounds pretty attractive. Almost perfect even. But what I want to know is if Adam and Eve had not fallen, had they not disobeyed God and gotten kicked out of the Garden, had they never committed the Original Sin, would they have needed personal salvation?”

Pete thought about it a while. “No, I don’t reckon they would.”

“I don’t think so either. And none of their descendants would have needed it and no one alive today would have needed it because there would be no sin we had to be saved from, you follow me?”

He nodded.

“So let’s just say an eternal Garden of Eden was God’s original plan. That doesn’t seem too far-fetched, does it?”

“No.”

“Do you think God has given up on that plan?”

“No. But our reward is not on this earth.”

“Apparently not, looking at the dismal state of the world. I wholeheartedly concur our reward is not here. But if it was God’s intention for Adam and Eve to live in paradise here on earth, then I can’t help but think that’s what He really wants for us, too. I mean, if God intended all along that we should be sinful and live in a cesspool, just so we could appreciate being saved someday, he could have simply made us that way. Why put Adam and Eve through the charade of tempting them with the Fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil just so they could screw up and He’d have a reason to condemn them to hell, so the rest of us can someday make a personal choice about whether or not we want to be saved? Does that strike you as rational?”

“Not the way you describe it. But all we have is God’s Word, and that tells us we can only be saved through the Lord.”

“I’m not disputing that. The point I’m trying to make is maybe that’s the best we can hope for right now, but the Second Coming will bring a kind of total salvation Adam and Eve could have only dreamed about after the fall.”

“I don’t follow.”

“I’m saying I don’t think God has given up at all on restoring this world back to His original ideal, that’s all, which is clearly something we don’t have today, even though Jesus brought us personal salvation. I don’t think individual redemption is the ultimate goal. I don’t think God will rest until the entire world is restored, just like it was in the Garden of Eden before the fall.”

Pete didn’t say anything for a while. It was extremely hot, and we both needed to get to bed.

           

“Man, you talk some wild shit.”

Turn the page: Sex Ruins Everything